it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
