I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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