He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
