i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
