So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
