Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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