Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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