I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
