Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
