It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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