True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Never joke about your clitoris.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
