So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
