I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
