I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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