Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
