my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I don't deserve a penis
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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