I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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