Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize
