my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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