Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
