Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
