I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Randomize
