i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I am full of burrito and curiosity
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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