..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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