Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
