I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
