Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
How naked do you want me to be?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
