So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
its liver damage thursday
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
