so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
She just used a chaser for red wine.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
