The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
