I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
