i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
