i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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