im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
