The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Randomize
