I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
