Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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