I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
