i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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