I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
