explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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