it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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