so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
