I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
