My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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