it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
