so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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