Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Randomize
