so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I have aggressive nipples.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
