then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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