A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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