Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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