i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
