Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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