the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
