Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
