So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
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