she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
3 2 1 whiskey
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
