I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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