Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Randomize
