There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
