i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
my being single is dangerous.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I love you. Go after that dick
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
